Today I’m going to try my first attempt at “free writing.” I’ve said a prayer and hope to have some divine spiritual guidance about what the purpose of my life on this earth is…there’s got to be something greater than what I’m doing. I believe I was put here during this specific time to meet specific people who need to hear my story or experience my love and assistance with whatever it is they’re struggling with.
Life can’t just be about walking through day by day with no clear direction just taking one day at a time. Sure, one day at a time is all you can do when you’re working towards a goal or something bigger than today but I have no direction really, no clear-cut purpose for my life.
I’m 51 years old and I can remember my mother telling me all the years of my life that God has given me gifts to use for His greater purposes. I just need to figure out what those gifts are and use them. So, for all these years I’ve been searching on my own and can’t, for the life of me, figure it out.
I’ve always been more comfortable at home rather than fighting to climb some corporate ladder somewhere where nobody cares about you and all they care about is their next paycheck and their next raise and next promotion. I’ve never been that type of person. I’m happiest just going about my business and doing things at my own pace and when I want to do it. I’m too old now to have someone telling me what time I have to wake up each morning. When I can eat lunch or go to the bathroom, when I can take a break and when I can take some time off for fun. Not gonna do it at this point in my life. I’ve done it before, many times and those were the lowest points in my life for the most part. I’ve had low points when I wasn’t working but every DAY sucked when I had to get up from a deep sleep, get in the shower, make myself pretty whether I felt like it or not, got dressed and left all of my responsibilities sitting in the dust at home while I went to make someone else richer, to build their business and secure their future.
It’s my turn.
My gifts, I believe are my love and passion for writing like I’m doing here in my journal…I could do this all day long. I’m not as much a fan of writing if I have to do a ton of research on a topic I care nothing about or know very little about. Now, if it’s something I want to learn about (like the self-help, loving yourself, finding your purpose in life, etc. that I’m learning about now, I’m all over it.) If you want me to write about a famous historical figure or the conditions in German concentration camps, I’ll pass.
My other gift, I think, is photography. I believe I have an eye for good composition. I’m learning the technical details of photography while working with Nellie, my mentor, and friend. Her focus is on photographing women which is fine but I still struggle with being so damned shy that I can’t move and I hope and pray every time that she or her client cancels and I don’t have to go but when I do, it’s fine and I have a good time and all is good. I also struggle with zero self-confidence and fear of rejection or someone thinking I’m not good enough, especially Nellie. She’s a rock star photographer in town and people really respect her work so I have a lot to bring to the table. She has her CPP (Certified Professional Photographer) credentials and has won awards. She rubs elbows with nationally and internationally known photographers and it’s terribly intimidating to this shy little girl.
I like photographing my own pets, macro photography and landscapes…just about anything besides people. People are nervous and I’m nervous and it’s just all uncomfortable. I’m fine with some people, most people, actually, but it’s that initial getting past the pleasantries and getting my butt to the studio or whatever location.
So, what is my purpose in this life? How can what I’ve lived so far in my life, help someone else? Where do I go from here? I am open to hearing what the angels and God and whatever other guiding forces are out there have to say to guide me to what’s next. I’m here and waiting for His spirit to move through mine and onto this keyboard in some miracle because I’m at a loss. Something that can give me a reason to get up every day and put on a smile and face the world!
Is it a blog about fathers? A blog to fathers? A book to fathers ? A book/blog to other girls growing up without fathers? Being a girl being raised by just my mom and my older brothers who weren’t quite the best role models, I have learned how important it is for girls to have a decent father figure. There are so many psychological issues that crop up when a girl doesn’t have a doting daddy.
Growing up, my friends’ fathers always had pet names for them…”Buttercup,” ”Pumpkin,” “Princess,” etc. I remember always craving to be somebody’s princess. One day, while doing a Bible study when I was probably around 35 years old…it occurred to me…I have a Heavenly Father! I am a wonderfully created, one-of-a-kind, daughter of the KING of KINGS! I AM a princess! I am HIS princess! The best and most flawless father known to mankind! I suddenly saw myself as lucky! I was lucky to not have a human father, messed up from his own childhood and other issues, I had the perfect Father and I was His Princess! *Squeeeeee!!*
I believe my “tribe” will be girls and women who are growing up or did grow up without a father figure at home and possibly none at all.
Where does my photography fit in here? My focus will be on fathers with their daughters being who they are when they’re together…finding the relationship between them and bringing out the emotions and bond that they share. I will also photograph girls/women with the father figure they relate to if it’s not their biological or adopted father.
Down the road, I could probably even expand on this to include the relationships between mothers and sons. From personal experience, I know there is a special bond between mothers and their sons.